I've been meaning to reflect for awhile now, but I've been so busy with other things that I haven't found the time, and I still have a lot to do, but I just want step away from my work for a second to write this. To understand my happiness, you need to know my struggle. This snapshot is my personal journey with depression, addictions, becoming sober and me becoming happy.
My struggle
In my late 20s, I wasn't making the best life decisions. I drank a lot, I gambled a lot, and even tried drugs. I was continuously broke and always borrowing money. I've been in jail a couple of times and just making bad choices. Looking back now, I was a hot mess. I would get drunk and act a fool by embarrassing myself or causing trouble. I had no self awareness or any self respect. I pretty much had no direction for my life, no goals, and no purpose. On top of everything, I struggled with depression.
Then my Granny passed.
I was a wreck.
Justin
Then I met Justin. We met on a dating app, and I invited him to hang out on my birthday and that same night I told him I loved him, AND HE SAID IT BACK!!! OMG LOL, I was a little drunk I guess. He was really sweet and caring, and just a true southern gentleman. I never met anyone like him. He was from Tennessee, his dad had some work up in South Sioux City, so they were in town for a couple of weeks and he stayed with me the whole time. He would leave me sweet post-it notes on the mirror and stuff. He is just so sweet. He went back to Tennessee for a month and they came back to finish the job in South Sioux, and Justin ended up staying with me for good.
Still struggling
Since my Granny passed, I cried e-v-e-r-y single day for a whole year. Justin helped me cope with my emotions. He didn't analyze me or tell me to do this, or do that, he just consoled me every time. Months into our relationship he told me that ever since we met, his goal was to make me laugh once a day (as of today, he has made me laugh for 1,978 days). Life was getting easier as the days went by, I started crying less and less as time went on. Justin found a job that allowed me to be a stay-at-home-girlfriend. Since I was home with not much to do I looked into going back to school and within a couple of weeks I was taking classes at Bellevue University for my BA in Graphic Design, I wrote a blog about my education journey, click here if you want to check it out. I was doing really good in terms of not being so depressed, until one day I wasn't. It was weird, just out of the blue I became so depressed, and for no reason (which I think is the worst type of depression). I was so hopeless, so sad, I started failing my classes, and was crying every day. One night, I was taking my pills, I happened to look at my birth control package and one of the side effects was "can cause depression." It finally clicked, for some reason the pharmacy switched my birth control brand, the dosage and everything was the same, it was just a different brand. I called my doctor and told him and I immediately quit taking it. I finally got the brand that I usually take, and just like that I was better. Side note: whenever I start taking a new medication or change dosages, I always tell someone about it so they can monitor my behavior or mood, because I don't notice any changes. I never thought about the birth control though because nothing changed except they gave me a different brand. Anyhoots, life was getting better until....
The real change
on November 29, 2019 we went out to watch a Nebraska game and I was drinking and ended up having a little too much to drink. I started acting stupid and being mean towards Justin and just acting out for no reason. I'm embarrassed of that night. Justin ended up calling my best friend, Fawn and she had to talk some sense into me. I felt really bad and apologized to both of them for my behavior. I promised Justin that it was going to be the last time I drank. Since November 30, 2019 I have been sober.
The outcome
After I became sober, my life became better. But I do need to mention this, it was hard before it got better. I had to deal with some childhood trauma that would come to surface, and instead of using alcohol to cope or numb the pain, I had to face it head on. I got the courage to unload some of the weight I've been carrying. I first unloaded on my little BearBear, then I confided into Justin. Healing yourself is a process, you have to learn to forgive yourself and realize that when you make mistakes, you need to make things right and to learn from them. If you don't cope with the issues that is behind the reason you abuse alcohol or do drugs, then it'll be harder to stay sober. Be vigilant in the healing process, I see a therapist every couple of months just to check in and to continue to heal.
Once the weight was lifted off my shoulders, I was able to move forward with my life. After becoming sober, my brain is no longer fuzzy, my mental health is better, I'm down from three anti-depressant medications to one, which I cut back on already. My relationship with Justin got better. I paid off all of my debt that was in collections, paid off all my fines, and I'm in a better financial situation (I'm still broke, but I'm broke because my bills are paid and I'm investing into my business.) Speaking of my business, I registered my photography business on March 30, 2021. Since we got married I filed for my LLC, because I was getting more business and wanted a little more protection for my family. On April 18, 2023 my business was certified with the Secretary of Nebraska as Savannah Berlyn Photo & Design, LLC. I've been employed with HoChunk Renaissance for 1.5 years, and I love my coworkers and so happy that they support me and my business as well. I love becoming apart of the community and getting back to my roots. I joined my first committee, which is the steering committee for Artsplash.
Life is just getting better and better. Since I became sober, I honestly feel like I started LIVING or became ALIVE. I started living with purpose and as a creative, I want to do more meaningful projects for myself and to create something just to create. And most of all, I'm happy.
My ending thoughts
I want to thank those that have supported me in my journey to becoming a better version of myself. I wanted to write this snapshot because I hope I can help or inspire someone in becoming a better version of themself.
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